What to do if your child is into Porn – Podcast

A Parent’s Response

To their Children’s Porn Use

As parents it can be VERY hard to navigate different things with our children. Few things can cause us fear and trauma like finding out one of our children is looking at pornography.

The podcast attached will help give you the words and a plan of action if and when things happens in your home.



Podcast 61: What do Do if Your Child is Into Porn


McVety Prayer and Ministry Update – June 2017

First and foremost…

We would like to say Thank You! Melissa and I want to sincerely express our continual gratitude for your incredible support and love as we work in the trenches with hurting couples and individuals through our ministry with DFR.


We honestly couldn’t do what we do without you!


We realize it’s been a while since we sent an update and we wanted to give you an idea of all the things YOU are a part of and how you can continue praying for us. We also want to remind you of all the things that your financial support is going towards. Although there are honorariums and fees for some of what we do, they don’t come close to covering our salary or living expenses – so from the depth of our hearts THANK YOU!

Leigha and Josiah were AMAZING in their production of Beauty and the Beast!
Leigha and Josiah were AMAZING in their production of Beauty and the Beast!

Counselling ministry


  1. Since opening the DFR Care Centre in September I (Dave) have been running 2 support groups for men struggling with porn and sex addiction. One of the groups is with single college age student striving to purify their lives before it impacts their future marriages. The second group is for married men who have come forward and realised the degree of their problem as well as the true impact that their involvement with lust (in varying degrees) has had on them and their marriage.


As you can imagine, tackling this kind of issue can be a pretty heavy burden – I (Dave) deeply value your prayers for protection for our family and us personally as I tackle the devil’s attempts to destroy the family head on.


  1. Melissa and I have been meeting with 4-6 couples, some for premarital counselling, others for relationship check ups and some with more significant issues. This is both enriching and discouraging at times, but God is sustaining us throughout, and we are honoured to be given an opportunity to minister to them.


  1. I (Dave) have been doing individual recovery counselling and pastoral care type counselling with men (approx. 8), both young and old for varying issues in their lives including relationship, lust, and spiritual ones.


  1. Family mediation; working with 2 individual youth and their parents, and multiple families as they have needed to come up with plans to protect and guide their children through the issue of online pornography.


  1. Personal Mentoring – I (Dave) have been asked to be involved in 3 personal mentoring relationships. These are different than the above because they aren’t necessarily issue-specific but rather requests for someone to walk them through character development as husbands and fathers.



Melissa and I have been pretty busy with speaking this fall. With Melissa being in school and two of our kids being homeschooled it’s been VERY busy. God has been good and has given us the stamina and grace to manage it all.


Here is a list of the events and topics that have been recent, along with our summer schedule:


January 31 Dave and Melissa spoke to the Bakerview Church Youth on pornography

February 5 Dave and Melissa spoke in the morning at Jericho Ridge Community church

February 12 Dave and Melissa spoke to the parents of Jericho Ridge on Raising Kids in a Digital Age

March 10-11 Dave and Melissa spoke on Rest, Burnout and Accountability to the leadership team at Bear Creek Community church @ Charis Camp in Chilliwack, BC.

March 13 Dave taught a class at Columbia Bible College in the “effective relationships” class re: Blended families, conflict resolution, and family dynamics

April 4 – Dave attended a panel discussion to follow the “Over 18” documentary

April 9 Dave and Melissa spoke to the Bakerview Church caregroups on porn awareness and recovery

April 12 – Dave spoke to the Hillcity Church Youth on social media/social life

April 22 – Dave spoke at a Men’s breakfast on accountability in North Langley, BC

April 28-30 Dave and Melissa McVety were keynote speakers @ the BC Christian Home Educators Convention in Kelowna, BC

May 6 – Dave and Melissa spoke at a parent workshop on Raising Kids in a Digital Age in Hope, BC

June 2-4 Dave and Melissa spoke at Timberline Ranch family camp in Maple Ridge, BC

July 16-21 Dave is speaking at Gardom Lake Bible Camp in Enderby, BC

July 30 – Dave is preaching at Grace Church in Abbotsford, BC.

July 30- Aug 4 Dave is speaking at Stillwood Camp in Chilliwack, BC

August 13-18 Dave is speaking at Gardom Lake Bible camp in Enderby, BC

Horse Back riding at Family camp @ Timberline Ranch in Maple Ridge
Horse Back riding at Family camp @ Timberline Ranch in Maple Ridge

Additional prayer items

  1. Continual stamina and focus as Melissa starts her internship for her last year of her Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy through ACTS Seminary.
  2. Dedicated rest both personally and as a family, especially given that so many of our weekends are taken up with speaking.
  3. Wisdom as Melissa and I navigate some parenting challenges with Josiah specifically. We have been receiving counsel on how to best work with him amid our family, as we adjust to the all the different challenges and changes involved.
  4. Balance with the juggling of some significant new additions to my job (Dave) with the counselling and groups that have begun, while still managing my other roles.
  5. Spiritual protection for our family.
  6. Focus for Dave as he writes and produces applicable content that is Christ-centered.
  7. Last but not least, our account. Around this time of year our personal account does get low. Melissa’s checks are not covered at all and pay for Dave is touch and go as well. That said, we KNOW that God will continue to be faithful, and we thank you for your prayers and donations! Again, in all sincerity and with deep appreciation we couldn’t do this without your support!


God Bless,

Dave, Melissa, Leigha, Josiah and Toby!

Dave with his daughters waiting to go and see NEED TO BREATHE in concert!
Dave with his daughters waiting to go and see NEED TO BREATHE in concert!

Engaging in Relationships with our Children with Melissa McVety

Its far too easy to get preoccupied with “Doing” daily tasks and the outward behaviour of our children where we lose sight of who are kids are, and the incredible value of quiet time and “being” in their presence.

This is a video clip from our full talk at the Christian Homeschoolers Education Conference

For another quick video from the same conference click here: Boredom as time for relationship with our kids

To read more on this topic check out these links:

Redefining Boredom Part 1 – Relationship

Redefining Boredom Part 2 – Personal Healing 

Redefining Boredom Part 3 – Creativity

Redefining Boredom Part 4 – Spiritual Growth

Redefining Boredom – “boredom” is an Opportunity for Relationship with Our Children

Redefining Boredom

Lets learn to hear the word “boredom” as a positive instead of a negative! When our kids say they are bored, lets see it as an opportunity to connect with them and to build into our relationship with them.

This is a video clip from our full talk at the Christian Homeschoolers Education Conference


To read more on this topic check out these links:

Redefining Boredom Part 1 – Relationship

Redefining Boredom Part 2 – Personal Healing 

Redefining Boredom Part 3 – Creativity

Redefining Boredom Part 4 – Spiritual Growth

The Heart of Discipline – The Principle of New Covenant Parenting, How Rules Relate to Rebellion


The Heart of Discipline

The Principle of New Covenant Parenting –

How Rules Relate to Rebellion

The Heart of Discipline – The Principle of New Covenant Parenting and How Rules Relate to Rebellion

One of my goals as a parent is to see my children be well-behaved and function well in society. I remember being counselled not to parent out of fear or control, but to proactively prepare. To prepare my children to be functional members of society, I need to use various means of discipline. For me, this includes instruction, rules and standards, age-appropriate punishment, and affirmation, all done with respect, love, and care.

A common misconception is that if you discipline your children properly, they will be successful in life, and they won’t rebel against authority. This assumption tends to fall short because it only focuses on how well our kids are behaving and doing what they are supposed to — how well they are following rules.

For example, research indicates that those with the most issues with pornography addiction are those raised in families with stringent rules. Stringent rules in and of themselves can be helpful guardrails and guidelines. So, what is missing? The other piece of that research shows that those stringent rules aren’t the problem as much as is the lack of relationship between the rule giver and the child.

If the standards you give your child aren’t enveloped in a loving relationship, your child’s motivation to obey is to not get caught. That means that as soon as your child is out of your care and believes he or she won’t get caught, the child will likely throw out those rules just to show he can. In fact, if the loving relationship is missing, your child will potentially rebel while still in your house. Without that relationship, the fear of consequences doesn’t reach personal conviction, and the risk of disappointing their parents is negligible.

The message is essentially this:

Rules without relationship = rebellion

Allow me to illustrate. Most of us speed on the highway, even if only by a couple of miles or kilometers over the speed limit. We justify speeding by telling ourselves that we know we are safe, that we know the roads, and that the lawmakers don’t know what they are talking about. Our only motivation to follow this law is the potential consequence of a ticket!

In contrast, if I went to visit my Grandma, and before I left, she looked me in the eyes and pleaded with me not to speed — even making me promise I wouldn’t, would I speed on the way home? No, I wouldn’t — especially if I knew I would see her the next day and she would ask about my speed. What’s the difference? I have a loving relationship with my Grandma, and I value her and my word to her!

Arbitrary rules, void of loving relationships, do not prompt or support long-term internal values or moral structures.

How Does this related to the Gospel!?

It’s worth noting that this is something God affirms and exemplifies to us. The New Covenant, arising from the life and death of Jesus, is what ushered us into relationship with God through his Holy Spirit — because trying to follow the Old Covenant of rules without having a personal direct relationship with God didn’t work. Next time you read through the Old Testament, notice how often Israel rebels and God disciplines. The cycle is endless — at least until Jesus comes.

This is a big responsibility for us as parents, it means that we can’t just simply tell our kids what to do or what not to do, at least not without spending time with them. We cannot just rely on discipline and rules to control their behaviour and prepare them for life outside of home. Instead we need to build into our relationship and connection with them, spending time with them, enjoying life with them, and being part of their world. This is vital to their long-term success in society and life as a whole.

My encouragement to you is to please give your children the time and relationship that they need from you, just as God offers us through His Holy Spirit. Every rule that you want them to follow, however well-intentioned, should include a self-check to determine whether you have invested in your relationship with them so they value your heart and relationship, so that they respect the boundaries even when they don’t “feel” like they make sense or matter.


Article originally written and published for The Fellowship Focus

3 Reasons Doing “Devotions” with Your Spouse is Difficult and 6 Ways to Help

3 Reasons Doing “Devotions” With Your Spouse is Difficult

And 6 Ways to Help

3 Reasons Doing “Devotions” with your spouse is difficult and 6 ways to help


Living a mutually beneficial life of devotion to Jesus as a couple is a beautiful thing to see. I’ve seen many couples do this and asked some of them how and if they do devotions together. Many do, and they enjoy the time of study together and if that is you, I’m excited for you! There are others though, that don’t find devotions as a couple to be quite that simple.


I was speaking to someone that has asked me to mentor him, he was describing how difficult it was for he and his wife to try and do devotions. By “devotions” I mean the formal kind, the ones that some Christians believe that they need to take part in if they want to be a “good Christian couple,” where you open a bible together and read it and study in unison, sharing your personal insights to the passage you are reading simultaneously.


He described frustration and anxiety in the midst of trying to study together. He found himself frustrated by her insights.


It turns out that my wife and I had a similar problem.


Many might suggest a need for practice or that there must be a spiritual disconnect. But I would argue that, that isn’t actually the case – at least not in the two situations I’m describing above.


Both couples love to go to church and discuss insights received from others speaking. We love to teach our kids things and bounce back and forth, sharing the opportunity and responsibility of answering hard spiritual question with our kids. We love Jesus and love seeing others fall in love with him, and in this case both couples are in ministry as well.


So what is happening? Why would devotions as a couple be so difficult?


Here are some potential reasons:


  1. It takes practice. Anything new takes practice and is uncomfortable at first, so yes it could be that you simply need to keep trying until you learn each other’s learning and teaching style.
  2. One or both of you may have a teaching gift. Asking a teacher to read a passage with the intention of finding insights and teaching it, and then subjecting them to someone else teaching them about the topic they are now passionate about, is bound to cause conflict. Honestly, I believe that this is the case for both of the above listed couples. I know it resonates with me. When I get passionate about teaching something, I want to share it. In fact, the act of sharing that insight with someone else is the culmination of my gift-set in that moment. Having to sit and listen to someone else’s thoughts obstructs that so it can make it hard to receive and increase frustration.
  3. Formal isn’t always necessary, or good. Maybe a sit-down devotional book isn’t the best fit for every couple. Doing things formally, although not bad, isn’t necessarily the best or most effective way to learn things. We hear all of the time that kids learn better when they get involved practically. Using their hands to engage in things like science projects for example. The lessons and impact is different when there is real life application. We also know and hear all of the time that learning things “organically” is deeply impacting as well. For example, when we are walking through a park and see a homeless man, we engage with the subjects of compassion and justice and interact with what the bible says with our kids, and the lesson permeates deeply into their soul. This is FAR more effective than discussing compassion and justice in a classroom. Yes, it’s hard to plan for these things because we have to be ready in the moment, so making sure you cover specific topics will be hard but is possibly not necessary, either way though the impact is far greater and more natural.



What can we do about it?


  1. Consider how you can engage in organic and practical conversations and mutual lessons as a couple when relating to scripture. Start paying attention to the world around you and make spiritual conversations a part of your daily life.
  2. Pray together. This can be awkward too, but practice and listen to your spouse’s heart as they express themselves to God.
  3. You may need to pray for a deeper longing and appreciation for His word.
  4. Try a different devotional book, maybe the ones you’ve tried weren’t a good fit for you as a couple.
  5. Consider taking turns teaching. Instead of mutually reading the same passage to both share insights, one of you comes into it with an attitude of receiving and listening instead of speaking and teaching.
  6. Consider that the word “devotion” is about a lifestyle, to live a life where all of your energy is invested in one direction, how does this reality change your approach to mutual devotion times together?



As you explore what being devoted together looks like, remember that it takes practice. You have been living life alone for a long time and adjusting to another person involved can be hard. Also remember that discomfort and frustration are normal as you move forward and continue exploring a life of devotion (both formally and/or informally) looks like together.


Finding a way to share what God is doing in your life individually with your spouse is VITAL to your growth and connection as a couple. If formal devotions are easy for you, consider expanding and adding to them. If they are more difficult, take the time to notice the faith connections you do have and appreciate them, and consider continuing to work hard to find a way to connect on a slightly more formal level as well. Fighting to connect spiritually is ALWAYS beneficial to your marriage.