As parents it can be VERY hard to navigate different things with our children. Few things can cause us fear and trauma like finding out one of our children is looking at pornography.
The podcast attached will help give you the words and a plan of action if and when things happens in your home.
Podcast 61: What do Do if Your Child is Into Porn
First and foremost…
We would like to say Thank You! Melissa and I want to sincerely express our continual gratitude for your incredible support and love as we work in the trenches with hurting couples and individuals through our ministry with DFR.
We honestly couldn’t do what we do without you!
We realize it’s been a while since we sent an update and we wanted to give you an idea of all the things YOU are a part of and how you can continue praying for us. We also want to remind you of all the things that your financial support is going towards. Although there are honorariums and fees for some of what we do, they don’t come close to covering our salary or living expenses – so from the depth of our hearts THANK YOU!
Leigha and Josiah were AMAZING in their production of Beauty and the Beast!
Counselling ministry
As you can imagine, tackling this kind of issue can be a pretty heavy burden – I (Dave) deeply value your prayers for protection for our family and us personally as I tackle the devil’s attempts to destroy the family head on.
Speaking
Melissa and I have been pretty busy with speaking this fall. With Melissa being in school and two of our kids being homeschooled it’s been VERY busy. God has been good and has given us the stamina and grace to manage it all.
Here is a list of the events and topics that have been recent, along with our summer schedule:
January 31 Dave and Melissa spoke to the Bakerview Church Youth on pornography
February 5 Dave and Melissa spoke in the morning at Jericho Ridge Community church
February 12 Dave and Melissa spoke to the parents of Jericho Ridge on Raising Kids in a Digital Age
March 10-11 Dave and Melissa spoke on Rest, Burnout and Accountability to the leadership team at Bear Creek Community church @ Charis Camp in Chilliwack, BC.
March 13 Dave taught a class at Columbia Bible College in the “effective relationships” class re: Blended families, conflict resolution, and family dynamics
April 4 – Dave attended a panel discussion to follow the “Over 18” documentary
April 9 Dave and Melissa spoke to the Bakerview Church caregroups on porn awareness and recovery
April 12 – Dave spoke to the Hillcity Church Youth on social media/social life
April 22 – Dave spoke at a Men’s breakfast on accountability in North Langley, BC
April 28-30 Dave and Melissa McVety were keynote speakers @ the BC Christian Home Educators Convention in Kelowna, BC
May 6 – Dave and Melissa spoke at a parent workshop on Raising Kids in a Digital Age in Hope, BC
June 2-4 Dave and Melissa spoke at Timberline Ranch family camp in Maple Ridge, BC
July 16-21 Dave is speaking at Gardom Lake Bible Camp in Enderby, BC
July 30 – Dave is preaching at Grace Church in Abbotsford, BC.
July 30- Aug 4 Dave is speaking at Stillwood Camp in Chilliwack, BC
August 13-18 Dave is speaking at Gardom Lake Bible camp in Enderby, BC
Horse Back riding at Family camp @ Timberline Ranch in Maple Ridge
Additional prayer items
God Bless,
Dave, Melissa, Leigha, Josiah and Toby!
Dave with his daughters waiting to go and see NEED TO BREATHE in concert!
Its far too easy to get preoccupied with “Doing” daily tasks and the outward behaviour of our children where we lose sight of who are kids are, and the incredible value of quiet time and “being” in their presence.
This is a video clip from our full talk at the Christian Homeschoolers Education Conference
For another quick video from the same conference click here: Boredom as time for relationship with our kids
To read more on this topic check out these links:
Redefining Boredom Part 1 – Relationship
Redefining Boredom Part 2 – Personal Healing
Redefining Boredom
Lets learn to hear the word “boredom” as a positive instead of a negative! When our kids say they are bored, lets see it as an opportunity to connect with them and to build into our relationship with them.
This is a video clip from our full talk at the Christian Homeschoolers Education Conference
To read more on this topic check out these links:
Redefining Boredom Part 1 – Relationship
Redefining Boredom Part 2 – Personal Healing
The Principle of New Covenant Parenting –
How Rules Relate to Rebellion
The Heart of Discipline – The Principle of New Covenant Parenting and How Rules Relate to Rebellion
One of my goals as a parent is to see my children be well-behaved and function well in society. I remember being counselled not to parent out of fear or control, but to proactively prepare. To prepare my children to be functional members of society, I need to use various means of discipline. For me, this includes instruction, rules and standards, age-appropriate punishment, and affirmation, all done with respect, love, and care.
A common misconception is that if you discipline your children properly, they will be successful in life, and they won’t rebel against authority. This assumption tends to fall short because it only focuses on how well our kids are behaving and doing what they are supposed to — how well they are following rules.
For example, research indicates that those with the most issues with pornography addiction are those raised in families with stringent rules. Stringent rules in and of themselves can be helpful guardrails and guidelines. So, what is missing? The other piece of that research shows that those stringent rules aren’t the problem as much as is the lack of relationship between the rule giver and the child.
If the standards you give your child aren’t enveloped in a loving relationship, your child’s motivation to obey is to not get caught. That means that as soon as your child is out of your care and believes he or she won’t get caught, the child will likely throw out those rules just to show he can. In fact, if the loving relationship is missing, your child will potentially rebel while still in your house. Without that relationship, the fear of consequences doesn’t reach personal conviction, and the risk of disappointing their parents is negligible.
The message is essentially this:
Rules without relationship = rebellion
Allow me to illustrate. Most of us speed on the highway, even if only by a couple of miles or kilometers over the speed limit. We justify speeding by telling ourselves that we know we are safe, that we know the roads, and that the lawmakers don’t know what they are talking about. Our only motivation to follow this law is the potential consequence of a ticket!
In contrast, if I went to visit my Grandma, and before I left, she looked me in the eyes and pleaded with me not to speed — even making me promise I wouldn’t, would I speed on the way home? No, I wouldn’t — especially if I knew I would see her the next day and she would ask about my speed. What’s the difference? I have a loving relationship with my Grandma, and I value her and my word to her!
Arbitrary rules, void of loving relationships, do not prompt or support long-term internal values or moral structures.
How Does this related to the Gospel!?
It’s worth noting that this is something God affirms and exemplifies to us. The New Covenant, arising from the life and death of Jesus, is what ushered us into relationship with God through his Holy Spirit — because trying to follow the Old Covenant of rules without having a personal direct relationship with God didn’t work. Next time you read through the Old Testament, notice how often Israel rebels and God disciplines. The cycle is endless — at least until Jesus comes.
This is a big responsibility for us as parents, it means that we can’t just simply tell our kids what to do or what not to do, at least not without spending time with them. We cannot just rely on discipline and rules to control their behaviour and prepare them for life outside of home. Instead we need to build into our relationship and connection with them, spending time with them, enjoying life with them, and being part of their world. This is vital to their long-term success in society and life as a whole.
My encouragement to you is to please give your children the time and relationship that they need from you, just as God offers us through His Holy Spirit. Every rule that you want them to follow, however well-intentioned, should include a self-check to determine whether you have invested in your relationship with them so they value your heart and relationship, so that they respect the boundaries even when they don’t “feel” like they make sense or matter.
Article originally written and published for The Fellowship Focus
3 Reasons Doing “Devotions” with your spouse is difficult and 6 ways to help
Living a mutually beneficial life of devotion to Jesus as a couple is a beautiful thing to see. I’ve seen many couples do this and asked some of them how and if they do devotions together. Many do, and they enjoy the time of study together and if that is you, I’m excited for you! There are others though, that don’t find devotions as a couple to be quite that simple.
I was speaking to someone that has asked me to mentor him, he was describing how difficult it was for he and his wife to try and do devotions. By “devotions” I mean the formal kind, the ones that some Christians believe that they need to take part in if they want to be a “good Christian couple,” where you open a bible together and read it and study in unison, sharing your personal insights to the passage you are reading simultaneously.
He described frustration and anxiety in the midst of trying to study together. He found himself frustrated by her insights.
It turns out that my wife and I had a similar problem.
Many might suggest a need for practice or that there must be a spiritual disconnect. But I would argue that, that isn’t actually the case – at least not in the two situations I’m describing above.
Both couples love to go to church and discuss insights received from others speaking. We love to teach our kids things and bounce back and forth, sharing the opportunity and responsibility of answering hard spiritual question with our kids. We love Jesus and love seeing others fall in love with him, and in this case both couples are in ministry as well.
So what is happening? Why would devotions as a couple be so difficult?
Here are some potential reasons:
What can we do about it?
As you explore what being devoted together looks like, remember that it takes practice. You have been living life alone for a long time and adjusting to another person involved can be hard. Also remember that discomfort and frustration are normal as you move forward and continue exploring a life of devotion (both formally and/or informally) looks like together.
Finding a way to share what God is doing in your life individually with your spouse is VITAL to your growth and connection as a couple. If formal devotions are easy for you, consider expanding and adding to them. If they are more difficult, take the time to notice the faith connections you do have and appreciate them, and consider continuing to work hard to find a way to connect on a slightly more formal level as well. Fighting to connect spiritually is ALWAYS beneficial to your marriage.
Dave McVety's Blog 