As parents it can be VERY hard to navigate different things with our children. Few things can cause us fear and trauma like finding out one of our children is looking at pornography.
The podcast attached will help give you the words and a plan of action if and when things happens in your home.
Podcast 61: What do Do if Your Child is Into Porn
Its far too easy to get preoccupied with “Doing” daily tasks and the outward behaviour of our children where we lose sight of who are kids are, and the incredible value of quiet time and “being” in their presence https://apotekerendk.com/.
This is a video clip from our full talk at the Christian Homeschoolers Education Conference
For another quick video from the same conference click here: Boredom as time for relationship with our kids
To read more on this topic check out these links:
Redefining Boredom Part 1 – Relationship
Redefining Boredom Part 2 – Personal Healing
Redefining Boredom
Lets learn to hear the word “boredom” as a positive instead of a negative! When our kids say they are bored, lets see it as an opportunity to connect with them and to build into our relationship with them.
This is a video clip from our full talk at the Christian Homeschoolers Education Conference
To read more on this topic check out these links:
Redefining Boredom Part 1 – Relationship
Redefining Boredom Part 2 – Personal Healing
The Principle of New Covenant Parenting –
How Rules Relate to Rebellion
The Heart of Discipline – The Principle of New Covenant Parenting and How Rules Relate to Rebellion
One of my goals as a parent is to see my children be well-behaved and function well in society. I remember being counselled not to parent out of fear or control, but to proactively prepare. To prepare my children to be functional members of society, I need to use various means of discipline. For me, this includes instruction, rules and standards, age-appropriate punishment, and affirmation, all done with respect, love, and care.
A common misconception is that if you discipline your children properly, they will be successful in life, and they won’t rebel against authority. This assumption tends to fall short because it only focuses on how well our kids are behaving and doing what they are supposed to — how well they are following rules.
For example, research indicates that those with the most issues with pornography addiction are those raised in families with stringent rules. Stringent rules in and of themselves can be helpful guardrails and guidelines. So, what is missing? The other piece of that research shows that those stringent rules aren’t the problem as much as is the lack of relationship between the rule giver and the child.
If the standards you give your child aren’t enveloped in a loving relationship, your child’s motivation to obey is to not get caught. That means that as soon as your child is out of your care and believes he or she won’t get caught, the child will likely throw out those rules just to show he can. In fact, if the loving relationship is missing, your child will potentially rebel while still in your house. Without that relationship, the fear of consequences doesn’t reach personal conviction, and the risk of disappointing their parents is negligible.
The message is essentially this:
Rules without relationship = rebellion
Allow me to illustrate. Most of us speed on the highway, even if only by a couple of miles or kilometers over the speed limit. We justify speeding by telling ourselves that we know we are safe, that we know the roads, and that the lawmakers don’t know what they are talking about. Our only motivation to follow this law is the potential consequence of a ticket!
In contrast, if I went to visit my Grandma, and before I left, she looked me in the eyes and pleaded with me not to speed — even making me promise I wouldn’t, would I speed on the way home? No, I wouldn’t — especially if I knew I would see her the next day and she would ask about my speed. What’s the difference? I have a loving relationship with my Grandma, and I value her and my word to her!
Arbitrary rules, void of loving relationships, do not prompt or support long-term internal values or moral structures.
How Does this related to the Gospel!?
It’s worth noting that this is something God affirms and exemplifies to us. The New Covenant, arising from the life and death of Jesus, is what ushered us into relationship with God through his Holy Spirit — because trying to follow the Old Covenant of rules without having a personal direct relationship with God didn’t work. Next time you read through the Old Testament, notice how often Israel rebels and God disciplines. The cycle is endless — at least until Jesus comes.
This is a big responsibility for us as parents, it means that we can’t just simply tell our kids what to do or what not to do, at least not without spending time with them. We cannot just rely on discipline and rules to control their behaviour and prepare them for life outside of home. Instead we need to build into our relationship and connection with them, spending time with them, enjoying life with them, and being part of their world. This is vital to their long-term success in society and life as a whole.
My encouragement to you is to please give your children the time and relationship that they need from you, just as God offers us through His Holy Spirit. Every rule that you want them to follow, however well-intentioned, should include a self-check to determine whether you have invested in your relationship with them so they value your heart and relationship, so that they respect the boundaries even when they don’t “feel” like they make sense or matter.
Article originally written and published for The Fellowship Focus
3 Reasons Doing “Devotions” with your spouse is difficult and 6 ways to help
Living a mutually beneficial life of devotion to Jesus as a couple is a beautiful thing to see. I’ve seen many couples do this and asked some of them how and if they do devotions together. Many do, and they enjoy the time of study together and if that is you, I’m excited for you! There are others though, that don’t find devotions as a couple to be quite that simple.
I was speaking to someone that has asked me to mentor him, he was describing how difficult it was for he and his wife to try and do devotions. By “devotions” I mean the formal kind, the ones that some Christians believe that they need to take part in if they want to be a “good Christian couple,” where you open a bible together and read it and study in unison, sharing your personal insights to the passage you are reading simultaneously.
He described frustration and anxiety in the midst of trying to study together. He found himself frustrated by her insights.
It turns out that my wife and I had a similar problem.
Many might suggest a need for practice or that there must be a spiritual disconnect. But I would argue that, that isn’t actually the case – at least not in the two situations I’m describing above.
Both couples love to go to church and discuss insights received from others speaking. We love to teach our kids things and bounce back and forth, sharing the opportunity and responsibility of answering hard spiritual question with our kids. We love Jesus and love seeing others fall in love with him, and in this case both couples are in ministry as well.
So what is happening? Why would devotions as a couple be so difficult?
Here are some potential reasons:
What can we do about it?
As you explore what being devoted together looks like, remember that it takes practice. You have been living life alone for a long time and adjusting to another person involved can be hard. Also remember that discomfort and frustration are normal as you move forward and continue exploring a life of devotion (both formally and/or informally) looks like together.
Finding a way to share what God is doing in your life individually with your spouse is VITAL to your growth and connection as a couple. If formal devotions are easy for you, consider expanding and adding to them. If they are more difficult, take the time to notice the faith connections you do have and appreciate them, and consider continuing to work hard to find a way to connect on a slightly more formal level as well. Fighting to connect spiritually is ALWAYS beneficial to your marriage.
Hint – Its all about your marriage
The second highest demographic for divorce is people who are married 25-30 years!
Does this shock you?
We have couples regularly telling us stories about how disconnected they are, how they don’t date anymore and in some cases describing finding their needs met in others, whether physical or emotional. They reminisce on the days when they were first together and when they were so in love, when family members and friends would be exclaiming to them “Don’t miss your 6 months anniversary!” as this was something that was so important to them back then, now an anniversary is something that’s not so special and unfortunately, most couple feels disconnected.
The most common reason for this disconnect is, you guessed it, children! We know kids change our marriages, but they shouldn’t destroy our marriage. Whilst children don’t destroy all marriages, they can definitely make it more difficult for couples to do anything together without having to include the children. This is where people can drift apart. Couples need to try and find time for themselves, otherwise they might be heading towards a divorce. This has been the case for some couples. They’ve felt so miserable in their marriage that they have filed for a divorce by using a divorce attorney los angeles area, if that’s where the couple is located. No couples get married with the intention to divorce a few years later, so it’s important to try and keep the spark alive for as long as you can.
With this being said, we a big advocates of marriage counseling and trying to overcome your differences. However, there are rare occasions where an individual in a relationship is abusive and while we think you can work hard to save your marriage, this is where we draw the line. If you have children then you may need to Google “who is the best child custody lawyer” in order to legally get them away from your partner. It’s always best to contact professionals over serious matters like this so you know your children will always be safe.
Often when we have kids it’s because we “want them” and maybe we believe they will make our lives and relationship complete somehow. This is ironic because too often one spouse will pour into the kids while the other pours into their career, and instead of completing our lives and relationship, the new normal “depletes” it. Leaving little left for each other.
Let me be fair, putting our kids first makes sense, especially in those early years when they are completely helpless? Even as they grow there is only so much they can do to care for themselves or financially support themselves for they are dependant on us on many different levels, and we have a responsibility to provide for their needs. Unfortunately, if we don’t take the time to balance our family life with our marriage, we will struggle to maintain an adequate connection and when the time comes for them to move out of the house, we are strangers living together.
We MUST give our kids what they really need, and it turns out what they need most is for us to have an incredible marriage and relationship with our spouse. Without it they will lack the foundation of security they need today AND in their future. Cracks they find in their foundation can rock even your adult children and potentially have a devastating effect on their lives and families. We want to give our children something worth modeling.
One way to keep our relationships strong is by learning how to identify and express our needs to our partners. Proceed with caution, however, because saying “This is what I need from you…”, can potentially lead to personal entitlement, defensiveness or misunderstanding. I like to phrase it in a softer way, perhaps something like, “I love you and I miss us. I want a deeper and more incredible relationship with you, I think __________ would help us get there. What do you think we can do differently?”
Rephrasing your language not only helps your partner better receive your message, but it also shifts your thinking from blaming, moving from “me” to “us”.
Remember that putting your spouse first IS putting your children first – and they will appreciate the model of family that you leave them with more than you can imagine.
Here are a few ideas for how to keep your marriage first:
My kids occasionally ask their mother, “Why are you and Dad going out on a date? You’re already married!” And her response is, “”Do you like how Mom and Dad love each other and are married? Then we need to keep dating.” And they quickly send us off to stabilize their foundation. May you enjoy building a firm foundation for your children as much as we do.
Dave McVety's Blog 