Parenting: Laying a Foundation for Relationship and Self-Acceptance

 

Laying the foundation your children need to develop and grow as God designed them to, isn’t something we always consider. In fact, often times I find myself sitting back and just being glad that my kids are doing what they “should” be doing or what they have been told to do. After all, why mess with something that isn’t broken, right? Well, unfortunately it isn’t that simple. Our children grow and develop, their brains change and shift, and their behaviour changes as they stretch grow in their independence. To weather these changes, they need a foundation of both security and acceptance. This foundation creates confidence to explore, assurance of salvation and an innate willingness to learn and not be afraid of hard question or difficult answers. My four children are drastically different from each other, and it’s easier for me to relate to some than with others. It takes more time and effort to be in relationship with those I don’t understand, and I need to make sure all of my kids know that I love them deeply,

 

In order to prevent misconceptions or feelings of preference from our kids, my wife and I have been intentionally asking each other a few key questions:

 

 

1. Have we been criticizing our children’s shortcomings more than we have been noticing their unique gifts?

• Melissa and I watch our children together. It’s quite natural to look at a child and notice their shortcomings but doing this doesn’t build confidence. They need to know they are perfectly and wonderfully made, just a they are; without this foundation, they will not be able to grow and explore who God has created them to be. So, instead of noticing the bad, we acknowledge and consciously highlight the positive traits in each of our children.

1. Are we affirming what they do or who they are?

• The overt things that they do are important to acknowledge and affirm BUT affirming actions alone creates a sense of value found in performance. The possible result is a belief system that says, unless they perform, they are not valuable; their identity becomes tied to their performance. We MUST be looking past the actions and noticing the character traits of our children, the things that are motivating them to do the things they are doing, even if those motivations aren’t always right. It’s an opportunity for us to affirm WHO our children are, and correct and guide their character through moments where their motivation may be wrong. Doing this is a key ingredient to building resilience in our kids, they need to know that it’s okay when things don’t go as planned, this isn’t failure because even their attempts build and express their character.

1. Are we listening to the heart of our children?

• The other day, my daughter asked if she could skip going to youth group that evening. Our tendency as parents is to give a quick answer based on our value set, we value community and spiritual development and have had a standard in our home that says our kids will commit to going to youth as an expression of that value. In this case however, I stopped myself from the quick “no” and instead tried to listen to her and hear the reason that she didn’t want to go to youth. It gave us an opportunity to talk about why we prioritize going to youth group and discuss whether or not those goals were being met. At 13 it is very helpful for her to begin to process and problem solve how to commit and meet those needs so that she isn’t just going out of obedience but is participating. Listening actually gave me a chance to equip and grow her toward self-motivated spiritual growth and discernment.

 

 

I have found these questions to be extremely important for both my relationship with my children as well as their acceptance of themselves.

 

God wants us to embrace the gifts and purposes He has for each of us, and our job as parents is to build our children’s foundation so they can live fully fulfilled in who they have been created to be. When I think of the body of Christ, I can’t be a hand if God has made me to be a foot, (1 Cor. 12:15-26) and as a foot if I see that my child is a hand, I may need to work harder to understand the value of the hand, I may have to learn new things so I can teach them about who they are more effectively. My prayer is that these questions might help guide you as you guide and affirm your children in who they are and who God has created them to be.

 

Originally written for and published for http://www.fellowshipforward.org

What to do if your child is into Porn – Podcast

A Parent’s Response

To their Children’s Porn Use

As parents it can be VERY hard to navigate different things with our children. Few things can cause us fear and trauma like finding out one of our children is looking at pornography.

The podcast attached will help give you the words and a plan of action if and when things happens in your home.

 

 

Podcast 61: What do Do if Your Child is Into Porn

 

Boredom – Making Room for Relationship with Our Children – Redefining Boredom

Relationship over Activity

Have we lost sight of what relationships with our children should look like?

I can’t count the number of times that my wife, Melissa, and I have been so caught up in our hectic lives that we have needed to take a step back and ask each other whether what we have involved ourselves and our children in is actually benefitting our family or simply overwhelming us. There is a lot that is thrown at you before having children, how to raise them, what to do when they have a tantrum, etc. however, as long as you care and love them, and feed them correctly, not with ‘metals found in food’ products, then it should be okay, although for many it can be simply too much.

 

So many of us live lives worried about what our kids might “miss out” on and sign them up for everything – VBS, Youth groups, sports teams, music lessons and more. We, as parents, quickly turn into “taxi drivers” and chauffeurs without time to breathe or think until our kids are in bed. The problem with this is that by keeping a pace of life that is that busy, we risk stealing what’s most important for our children from them.

 

Our children are often missing out on two of the things that they need most, the following is the first half of finding the value of boredom article (click here for the first half of this article):

 

2. Relationship

Children are born with an inner yearning for proximity. They need a relationship with their parents or primary caregivers, and with each person in their family. So often when older children make particular choices in life that the parents are concerned with they often say, “but I didn’t raise them to be like that.” Unfortunately, as good as the intentions of these parents’ have been, the reality is that parents may not be raising their children at all. Raising children requires time, both quality, AND quantity. As much as we think or hope that “time” with our kids, even if we are just watching them do an activity or driving them from one place to the next, is good, it is very easy to neglect the relationship in favour of activities and even leave our children feeling like they need to perform in order to gain our attention.

 

This can be difficult for single parents or parents who have to work a lot, who often need programs to help balance the load. Which is why it is important to “collect” your children when they come home. Being sure to be intentional to debrief their day, talk about random things, laugh, play, and share heart matters. Do the best you can with the time you have! Choosing to give your children the attention and time you do have, rather than taking them to an additional activity, will benefit them in incredible ways.

 

Spending time with our kids in ways that do not include other people or structured/programmed activities allows them to know that we care about WHO they are, not just WHAT they do. It leaves space and silence enough for us to be in each other’s presence and appreciate character traits and personality types and even opinions and interests. Our children need to be able to “rest in our presence” much like we are to rest in the presence of our Good Shepherd (Psalm 23). Having fun with them and playing with them, is incredibly important to their development and their relationship with us. It is worth the time and effort! Lets be intentional with the time we do have with our kids.

 

As the new school year begins and programs start, take the time to pre-emptively decide to avoid overwhelming both your life and your children’s lives with too much. Where you can, leave space for play, connection, relationship and opportunity for awareness of God’s presence. Doing so will help your child blossom to their full potential.

 

The full version of this article was originally published for the Fellowship of Evangelical Bible Church and can be found here.

 

Continue reading my series on “Redefining Boredom” with the following links:

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

 

Teaching our Kids the Beauty of Boredom – Redefining Boredom Part 1

Boredom Isn’t What You Think it is

Teaching our children the value of quiet – Redefining Boredom Part 1

I can’t count the number of times that my wife, Melissa, and I have been so caught up in our hectic lives that we have needed to take a step back and ask each other whether what we have involved ourselves and our children in is actually benefitting our family or simply overwhelming us.

 

So many of us live lives worried about what our kids might “miss out” on and sign them up for everything – VBS, Youth groups, sports teams, music lessons and more. We, as parents, quickly turn into “taxi drivers” and chauffeurs without time to breathe or think until our kids are in bed. The problem with this is that by keeping a pace of life that is that busy, we risk stealing what’s most important for our children from them.

 

Our children are often missing out on two of the things that they need most (I will only address one in this article though):

 

1. Boredom

When I was a child, I remember feeling bored and wondering if there was something wrong if I felt this way, but now I actually miss and envy those times when things are slow enough for me to rest my mind and have nothing to do or think about. It leaves space for me to get to know myself and to allow God to speak to me. God’s presence is so often found in the silence, and we don’t allow ourselves enough of that.

 

We need to be teaching and modeling this to our kids so that they appreciate the quiet and the slow moments of life. I have actually started telling my kids how excited I am when they come to me saying that they are “bored.” Boredom indicates opportunity, opportunity to be creative, to rest our minds or better yet, to spend time with God.

 

Moments of boredom for me are few and far between and I would actually suggest that it isn’t boredom at all, but a moment in my day where I have enough space and silence to notice the world around me. The irony is that I actually have to re-train myself to be okay in those moments. I have to intentionally avoid my phone or leave the TV off in an attempt to sit with my thoughts, and create space for the many benefits of stillness. This is especially beneficial for our children. We really need to both model and implement times throughout the day where we “unplug” from any device, to embrace “boredom” to foster creative development as well as the much needed space to process the day and deal with things that need to be addressed rather than be distracted. Kids do not need to be constantly stimulated, instead they need space to freely play, spend time in relationship, and contemplate life…something that our culture craves and so we need to cultivate and protect it!

 

Without that space, our children find themselves in constant states of anxiety and tension. We need to teach them how to decompress. Lets teach them to embrace their boredom as a chance to decompress, quiet the soul and take stock of who they are and who they are in Christ.

 

Click here for the second half of this article

 

Baptizing my Daughter

Recently, I had the amazing privilege of baptizing my 12-year-old daughter. Most fathers don’t have this honour or opportunity. Some probably could share in the experience if they asked, but it has never occurred to them. I am here to suggest that you do explore the option.

Baptism is an outward expression of faith – a way to tell the world publicly that you believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that He died for you, to pay the price for your sins. It’s your chance to say you will live your live forever for Jesus, and along with it is an incredible illustration of death to life, as you go under the water, it’s as if you are putting your old self to death “burying it” and you rise again, with a new life in Christ.

 

There is no greater or more powerful illustration for what Jesus did for us, or for our commitment to Him.

 

My daughter asked to be baptized, and she clearly understood what it meant and why she wanted to do it. And she asked if I would baptise her! WOW!

 

Let me explain why this is such an incredible honour.

 

First, because she cares about my involvement in her life enough to include me.

Second, because our greatest desire as parents is to see our children fall in love with Jesus, and we know that our greatest tool is our ability to model what really matters – so her wanting to be baptised, and particularly by me, shows me that she doesn’t see us as hypocrites.

Third, because, as the most important decision of her life and eternity, there is nothing greater than being a part of that decision, lowering her into the water and lifting her out again!

 

Wow!

 

Afterward I remember feeling like I hadn’t entirely done enough. Sharing the joy, thanking friends and family for being there and baptizing her, felt amazing – but I longed to speak a blessing over her. So I will do that now.

 

Leigha, you have a deep and caring spirit that longs to care for others and be there for people. You love Jesus deeply and it’s an honour to see you follow Him and see you commit your life to Him. I have never been more honoured, proud or excited than I was to be a part of this experience with you. God has incredible things in store for you. Your sincere care for others will be infectious to the world around you as you follow Him and obey in spite of what the world thinks and what others say. You aren’t afraid to live the way that you know is right, and are proud to be your own person – the person God made you to be.

 

One of my greatest joys is and will continue to be watching you grow into the woman God has already made you to be, to watch you learn and grow closer to Him with each passing day and year, and to see the world around you respond to the love that Jesus has for you and wants to share through you.

 

I will love you forever, and nothing you can ever say or do will ever take that love away from you.

 

Your Dad

3 Steps to iPod Safety – They Got One For Christmas, Now What?

Its that time of year, inevitably your child received an iPod or tablet. From a grandparent or aunt or uncle, or maybe even you as their parent. And why not? Games are cheap and accessible, Nintendo DS’s might be cheaper at first but the iPods are what everyone wants, they do more and they look like Phones so it’s a no brainer right? Not entirely no – at least not without safeguards.

There are significant DANGERS and needed precautions to take! Here are the basics.